October 14, 2011 Wrong People Arrested on Wall Street Goldman Boss: ‘Thought They Were Finally Coming for Us’ NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Millions of Americans cheered the news on Friday that arrests had finally been made on Wall Street, but were soon disappointed to learn that the wrong people had been taken into custody. “I was like, finally they’re going to get those bastards,” said Tracy Klugian, 27, of Queens, New York, whose hopes were raised by an “Arrests on Wall Street” graphic he saw on CNN.  “I guess it was too good to be true.” NYPD spokesman Frank Hannefy explained the controversial decision to arrest Occupy Wall Street protesters while leaving the people who had brought the nation’s economy to the brink of Armageddon unmolested. “As far as soulless individuals pillaging the country for their personal gain, that’s none of our business,” he said.  “But we’ll be damned if we’re going to let people march on newly seeded grass.” At banking giant Goldman Sachs, chairman Lloyd Blankfein admitted that when he heard police sirens outside his building, “I was sure they were finally coming for us.” The Goldman chief said he started running up and down the halls “screaming at people to feed the document shredder like Chris Christie at a pie-eating contest.” Mr. Blankfein said that he felt “palpable relief” when he realized that the police had come to arrest the protesters and were leaving the bankers at large. “That was a close one,” he said, chuckling.  “We’re all going to have a good laugh about this over the weekend in the Caymans.” Elsewhere, Texas Governor Rick Perry announced what he called his “1-1-1” plan: “Every American gets 1 percent tax, 1 mandatory vaccination, and 1 execution.” THIS JUST IN! Andy Borowitz’s new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers: An Anthology of Humor from Mark Twain to the Onion, is now a national bestseller and the #1 humor book in America.  Save 46% off the store price and buy your copy for only $15.19 by clicking here. “Sublimely funny.” — Amazon.com review   Upcoming Events October 19, 2011 at 08:00 PM New York! Andy celebrates the publication of The 50 Funniest American Writers with Nora Ephron, Calvin Trillin, Jenny Allen and more.  Book signing to follow. Location: 92nd and Lexington For tickets go to Borowitz in NYC October 22, 2011 at 04:15 PM Austin! Andy performs at the Texas Book Festival and signs copies of his new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers.  For more information, click here. Location: First United Methodist Church, 1201 Lavaca St. November 19, 2011 at Miami! Andy will do a free show at the Miami Book Fair and sign copies of his new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers. Location: TBA December 03, 2011 at 07:30 PM Rhinebeck, NY! Andy will perform and sign copies of his new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers.  RSVP is required for this free event.  RSVP to rsvp@oblongbooks.com or call 845-876-0500. Location: Oblong Books & Music, 6422 Montgomery, Rhinebeck, NY For tickets go to Oblong Books April 03, 2012 at 06:00 PM Mark Twain’s House! Andy will perform a special show at the Mark Twain Boyhood Home and Museum in Hannibal, MO.  Afterwards he’ll be signing copies of his new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers. Location: 120 N. Main St., Hannibal, MO 63401 For tickets go to Andy Borowitz at Mark Twain’s House The Borowitz Report: Waste Someone’s Time: Forward to a Friend. Sign up today for your own Borowitz Reports. Remove me from this list.